Frankly Speaking to Kids about Cancer

Had a great conversation with Frank McCloy, News Director of WCHE AM. We spoke about my personal experiences with breast cancer, talking to kids about cancer and the creation of our book Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings: When someone you love has cancer... a helpful, hopeful book for kids. Frank also spoke with the Medical Director of the Cancer Center at Paoli Hospital, Dr. Michael Dabrow in honor of October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Not Always an Easy Conversation
illustration from the book
Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings:When someone you love has cancer...a hopeful, helpful book for kids
©McVicker&Hersh, LLC

Listen here to our conversation and WCHE AM.

Couldn't Have Said it Better

Here we are again- Breast Cancer awareness month and with that a wonderful conversation with Richard Gaw, staff writer with Chester County publications. Richard and I sat pond side in my backyard last week and spoke about my experience with cancer, the creation of our book Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings, life and my art.

The results of our brief time together is an insightful and in depth article in the October 23, 2013 issue of the Chester County Press called Small Things with Great Love.


Thanks Richard for being a butterfly for our book and helping it continue its journey to help kids understand cancer.

Taking Off

This recent email touched our hearts and reminds us that the butterfly in Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings has power beyonds the pages of the book.

"I can't tell you how much your book has meant to us. 

(Our son) Benjamin felt very special that it was personalized for him, and it brought tears to both our eyes when we read it together the other night. It certainly answered many of his questions and concerns. For example, I told him about my husband's cancer before we read the book, and his first question was..."is it contagious?"

Tissues
Illustration from Butterfly Kisses andWishes on Wings:
When someone you love has cancer... a hopeful, helpful book for kids
©McVicker&Hersh, LLC

Your illustrations are so beautiful! 

I am so glad that I came across your book, and I appreciate you making a special effort to get it to me so quickly. 

Thank you, again, for everything!

Janet Wilson

Thank you Janet, sending your family and you... wishes on wings.

Ellen & Nanci

Relieve the Stress, Take a Free Trip

This is a guest post written by Greg Pierce. Greg is a 3x cancer survivor and community manager for WhatNext.com.

Everyone Needs a Break Sometimes
from the book
Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings: When someone you love has cancer...a hopeful, helpful book for kids
©2013McVicker & Hersh, LLC

Sometimes you just need to get away. Fortunately for people with cancer, there are ways that you can! Here are a four resources that you can research and use to relieve stress, take a trip, find free ways to travel, and make new connections with people who are also fighting cancer. 

1. The National Patient Travel Center (NPTC) is an organization that provides information to patients about charitable, long-distance medical transportation; NPTC provides referrals and helps patients get where they need to go for free. There is no charge for this service. To find more about free travel read this article on Free Flights for Cancer Patients.
2. First Descents is an organization that offers young adult cancer fighters and survivors a free outdoor adventure of their choice. First Descents empowers young adults to take back their life and spend time outdoors. Activities include surfing, rock climbing, and white water rafting. The only expense may be paying for transportation, but they are willing to assist you if need be.
3. Reel Recovery is a national non-profit organization that holds free fly-fishing retreats for men recovering from all forms of cancer with a mission to provide support through the healing powers of nature, sport, and close interaction with others who have similar journeys. Reel Recovery provides a safe and reflective environment, expert fly-fishing instruction, and information on cancer resources. The retreats facilitate networking, build empathy, and help men with cancer discover new insights from their peers. 
   
4. Casting for Recovery is an organization that provides weekend retreats for women with breast cancer at no cost. The women are given the opportunity to learn the sport of fly-fishing, interact with one another, network, gain empathy, and receive the therapeutic quality of the outdoors. The weekend retreats also use counseling, educational services, and have therapists and health care professionals present. To find more resources like Casting for Recovery read this article on 9 Valuable Resources for Cancer Patients. 

If you need help with travel expenses, need to relieve stress, or want to get away with other people of your same diagnosis, inquire about the resources above. Also, don’t be reluctant to plan your own personal trip with your family and friends. 

A lot of cancer survivors say that what helped them decompress the most was getting away, relaxing, and spending stress-free (and cancer-free!) time with loved ones. 

Life Lesson- Learning Resiliency

Finding My Way
Graphite, pastel, collage on Rives Black
30" x 22"
©2013NanciHersh

A couple of years ago, I remember telling someone that one skill I really want my children to develop is resilience.  Well, it seems that life always gives you what you ask for (!) and we have had lots of opportunities in our family to work on resilience. Life is full of curve balls, unexpected surprises- both good and bad, and the ability to face, navigate and weather these incidents is crucial for our health, happiness and even survival. And as we look around, these lessons are everywhere, big and small, whether our children are dealing with the flu, midterms, busy schedules, displacement from Super Storm Sandy, or the tragedy of Newtown, Connecticut.

In the fall issue of school district newsletter, district social worker Kate Rentschler and psychologist Dr. Loren Pearson wrote a wonderful article titled How to Raise a Resilient Child, adapted from the National Association of School Psychologists and work by Karen Reivick, PhD, University of Pennsylvania.  With Mrs. Rentschler's permission here are some key points.

Resilience is not all or nothing.
It can come in different amounts, at different times, and in different circumstances. Research has identified important ingredients that we can most easily teach our children.

Emotion awareness and control.
Resilient children experience a broad spectrum of emotions- it is part of our human experience. The main difference between a more resilient child from a less resilient child is that they don't get "stuck" in an emotion.  "Although they might feel sad or scared, these feelings don't prevent them from coping with the situation and moving forward."

Lots of Different Feelings
from Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings: When someone  you love has cancer... a hopeful, helpful book for kids.
©2013McVicker&Hersh, LLC

Realistic Optimism.
Research is clear: Optimistic people are happier, healthier, more productive, better problem solvers, have more meaningful relationships, etc.  Research also shows that kids can learn these skills and that in doing so can protect them from depression and anxiety. Resilience is about seeing seeing yourself and the situation as optimistically as possible- within the bounds of reality.

Impulse Control.
It's the "stop and think" message before you say or act.  We all have impulses to say and think things that are not often in our best interest. (I still have that as one of my daily affirmations! It's a great daily reminder for our children and ourselves.)

Flexible Thinking.
The ability to view problems from several different perspectives teaches us to be problem solvers.
"Thinking Steps- Stop, Think, Plan, Check" can build flexible thinking."

Self- efficacy.
Self efficacy is about effecting change in the world. It's the ability to know your self, your strengths and weaknesses, and how to use your strengths in navigating the challenges in life. "Helping your child identify his/her strengths or talents will help build self- efficacy."

Empathy.
Empathy is our ability to "put yourselves in others' shoes."  This ability helps foster strong connections to others. Some landmark studies have shown that " children who have at least one enduring relationship with a caring adult ( a parent, a neighbor, a teacher, a coach) - do well and can overcome even the most difficult hardships.  Our son Nate can attest to this, in addition to having the loving support of his family, his friends, his teachers, counselor and coaches reached out to him at every step of the way after his injury in 2011.  These connections were and still are critical to Nate's resilience.

Reaching Out.
"Resilient children are not afraid to take risks... Their optimism fuels them, and their self efficacy gives them the confidence to try, even when that risk means risking failure."

These are all skills we can nurture in our children and continue to develop in ourselves.

Putting "it" (a.k.a. your story) Out There

We seem to get these requests now and then so I figured I would address this most recent question about how to publish your story.

Night table
From Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings:
When someone you love has cancer... a hopeful, helpful book for kids
©2012McVicker&Hersh,LLC

I am currently a 2nd year graduate student within the School of Public Health at the University of Michigan. I am very much interested in writing a book  similar to your "Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings" book. I am blessed to know of a woman who is currently battling her second trail of breast cancer. During her second ordeal with this deadly disease, she learned that the cancer as spread to her brain. While she has every reason in the world to feel depressed and angry, she is still strong, encouraging and one one of the the most joyous individuals you could ever have the pleasure of meeting. I have proposed to her the idea of writing a book and she had agreed. I would like to know if you would honor me by sharing how you went about setting the tone for your book. Also how you went about finding a publisher and illustrator who had your best interest at heart. Again I am completely open to any piece of information that you may have. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon!!!!

Everyone has a story. The question is will other people find it of value and are you willing to do the work it takes to not only create (write, edit, illustrate, design and publish) the story, but then market it?  

To address the first question of setting the tone of the book. That is a very personal thing, meaning- who is your audience? In our case, I needed the words to tell my two young children about my cancer diagnosis,and Ellen had years of experience working with young children. That set our tone. We knew we wanted the language to be clear and easy to understand, as well as compassionate and empowering for children. We wanted my story - and our book to be a gift to other families.

In addition to finding an illustrator you need a book designer. Someone who can help you bring your vision to fruition. It's like finding the right producer for your music or your song. 

Self publishing (here is one of many links from a search) is big business these days. Once considered Vanity Presses and frowned upon, more and more people are doing it and there are many websites that will guide you through the process- for a fee.  So do your homework. Some will help you find an illustrator, may have a program to help you design your book, and even market your book for you. 

Our Team
Ellen (bottom center) and I, (top right) with our team of butterflies who helped
create and launch our book.
TOP-Dr. Beth Deutch (wrote forward, helped launch book) Claudia Ansorge- helped with title and marketing, Nanci
Bottom- Leslie Nicholson- editing, Ellen, Fran Waldmann- book designer

Ellen and I were fortunate to find a great team of people who believed in our story and wanted to help us.  They either did it for a nominal fee, traded for art (mine) or donated their time.  All were extremely generous. Many more have helped us along the way.  Marketing as been a learning experience- and encompasses many various grass roots methods. It was only recently (after 6 years, 5 printings and a Spanish edition) that we were approached and signed with  Montse Cortazar a literary agent who will be representing our book world wide.  The journey continues.

We wish you well on yours.

Talking to Kids about Cancer

Why we do what we do...  our hearts are filled with gratitude that we could help someone, as so many of you have helped me.

I received this email from Ashlie Krejci, a friend of a friend, a "sister" who I have yet to meet. I had heard that Ashlie needed our book, surgery was imminent and she didn't know how to tell her two young sons about her breast cancer. (sound familiar?- all too- for me!) Ashlie is now home recovering and took the time to send me this email today.  

Nate's drawing from
Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings: When someone you love has cancer... a hopeful, helpful book for kids
©2012McVicker&Hersh, LLC

Thank you so very much for this beautiful gift.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude and tears that a stranger would go to such length to get this book for us.

My son has asked us to read it to him every night.  It has helped us explain what we thought would be so impossible to a 4 year old.  Now he talks about "cells" all day long.  He says someday my cells will be good again and it makes me so happy that he understands!  He demonstrates his understanding by saying that his cells are pink and healthy like Daddy and Chase's and that mine are black and sick.  He then goes on to say that he is sad mine are so sick but that someday my cells will be pink and good again too.  I feel like crying every time he says this but instead I smile because I realize that because he understands what's going on he is able to verbalize his feelings and not be afraid.  He has also started drawing a lot of his emotions after seeing your pictures.  He draws me with no hair and then draws an assortment of hats that he says we can cut out and tape to my bald head when the medicine starts to make my hair fall out. 

I never could have imagined a four year old boy being able to grasp these concepts with such maturity-but YOU helped him with that!

I will be forever grateful to you and this book!

                                                                                  Ashlie Krejci

My heart sings.

Love Letter

Yes... we LOVE getting these letters...

Backpack
Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings: When someone you love has cancer... a hopeful, helpful book for kids
©2012McVicker&Hersh,LLC

 

"Your book has made a difference for the children of the patients.  We give them out so that they can read the story and relate to it.  We are getting more and more children and grandchildren here to visit or stay with their loved one.  We have a special program that is dedicated to the children and give each child their own backpack with age specific activities and books in each one.  We know that each day can seem like a week when you are waiting around for all the doctor’s appointments."

Kind regards,
John

 

John WilsonMaterials Management/Purchasing Agent

Cancer Treatment Centers of America®

 

 

 

Glad to Help

This colorful Thank you was recently received all the way from the Department of Child Psychiatry at the Chris Hani Baragwanath Hospital in Johannesburg, South Africa after we received the initial request below.

Thank you so so so much for all those books.  I finally collected the parcel at the end of last week.  You are absolute stars.  I’m taking the books down to the ward today.

 

Wow!

 

Megan

Your book and resources look amazing. I am a clinical psychologist working in a large government hospital in a very impoverished community in South Africa. I run groups for kiddies with cancer as well as the parents of these kiddies (from birth to 18 years). The unit currently has no \'story\' that can be used to explain cancer to the kiddies, or for us to share with the parents to help them to explain cancer to their kiddies and, in general, resources are very scant. Any donations of your products or offers of special rates on them would be much appreciated. 


Kind regards
Megan Jones
Community Service Clinical Psychology
Department of Child Psychiatry
Chris Hani Baragwanath Hospital, Johannesburg, South Africa 




We love that our book has found its way to Africa and feel blessed that we too, can be butterflies!

"My pictures always make her smile..."
Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings:
When someone you love has cancer... a hopeful, helpful book for kids
©2012McVicker&Hersh, LLC

Lessons Learned

Some conversations - or lessons learned are never easy.

"She said it's hard to explain.
I asked her to try anyway."
Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings: When someone you love has cancer... a hopeful, helpful book for kids
©2012McVicker&Hersh,LLC

My boys attended their first funeral this past weekend. We had a week or two to prepare them that their aunt was in the hospital and that there was a strong chance that she may not pull through.

The real shock was that our sister-in-law was so sick. Apparently, had been for a while. She mentioned some tests to a couple of us, but her adult sons were not aware of all this. These past three weeks, for both of them, have been a crash course in navigating the medical and legal fields, all while dealing with their own shock, sense of overwhelm, grief, and anger, at having been unaware of what was going on with their mom.

Some conversations are never easy, but we need to give our children, at any age, a place to ask questions, express fears and concerns and feel a part of our lives. While we can.

As parents, we want to "protect" our children.  The reality is that we can't. We can only show our love by empowering them with tools that foster resilience and trust. Knowing what and how much to tell our children will vary depending on age and situation, but the lesson learned this past weekend is that it is a conversation that needs to happen, before it's too late.

How much have you told your children about a challenging illness or situation in your family? 

For links to resources and support, please visit our Butterfly Kisses Book website
In addition, Supporting Kidds offers a number of programs and information for grief support for children and their families.

Books on WINGS

Some crazy weather here on the east coast. Snow back in October and temperatures reaching 80 mid March. Go figure. One thing that Ellen and I do notice however, regardless of Mother Nature and unseasonal weather fluctuation, is that Butterflies are everywhere!

Snow White Buds Blooming

Margaret Zuccotti is one such beautiful soul who has given our book WINGS. Diagnosed with Stage 4 inflammatory breast cancer in 2006, she discovered a lump while nursing her infant son.  Thus began the path of surgery, treatment and advocacy for this wife, mother of 3, daughter, sister, friend, athlete (she was the first survivor to cross the finish line at the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in Philadelphia,  and now, butterfly.

Margaret and her kids

An educator by profession, Margaret created the Louise S. Mauran Book Fund in honor of her mother to support families in the Fox Chase Cancer Center community where she receives treatment.  Margaret contacted us after she found our book online and shared Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings with other families facing cancer. We are honored to be a part of her fund and at the top of her list!

In addition, Margaret brought copies of our books, including our new Spanish edition to the recent C4YW conference in New Orleans last month as part of her brand new Reading for Reassurance initiative.  Hope you'll visit her Facebook page and click LIKE to keep on top of where she is taking this.

Thank you Margaret!

I feel that 'BK WOW' is a wonderful story because it touches on many of the challenges faced by families dealing with cancer. Why do you have cancer? Can I catch your cancer? Will you be ok? Is it alright that I am scared? These questions are asked by children of all ages and the book addresses them beautifully. It is great to find a resource that comforts the reader and the listener all at the same time. 

Margaret Zuccotti

Who is a butterfly in your life?  Who has helped you help others?

Just Like Me

This is from a card that was forwarded to us by someone who had gifted our book to a friend and her children following her cancer diagnosis.

Snuggle Me
Archival digital print
20" x 16"
from the book
Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings

Thank you so much for the beautiful book. 


I had read a couple of books to the boys but the one you gave us was by far the most beautifully written and most appropriate in every way for Jack to identify with.  As I read it to him on every other page he would say "that's just like me, Mommy!"


                                                                                                                             Sally 

Sally went on to say " We are certainly in for the battle of our lives, but we are feeling blessed..."


Thank you for sharing our book.  Ellen and I also feel blessed to bring some comfort to others, as so many have done for me, and for us.
                                                         Nanci

Butterflies at the Breast Center Fest

That's right, there will be butterflies at this year's Breast Center Fall Festival at the Helen F. Graham Cancer Center in Delaware.

Butterflies
©McVicker&Hersh,LLC

We are honored that our book Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings has been selected as the featured book at the event.

We will have our art prints, as well as copies of our book in English and now in Spanish!  I (Nanci) will be there signing books, and am looking forward to seeing some of my dear friends who are truly butterflies in my life.

There will be Breast Health Education, tours (it is a beautiful facility!), Breast Health Education, Giveaways, Door Prizes, Pink Ribbon items on sale to benefit the Breast Center Special Needs Fund.

Hope to see you, too!

Hot News - BK WOW - now in Spanish!

We are excited to announce that our book Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings: When someone you love has cancer... a hopeful, helpful book for kids will soon (very!) be available in Spanish as a paperback book!

Ellen's words, beautifully translated by Edith Camargo will help Spanish speaking children and their families cope with a loved one's cancer diagnosis.

Ask us how you can be a Mariposa for someone you know....

How You Can Help

The Color of Feelings
archival art print available
from the book
Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings...

Last week our younger  son suffered severe damage to his left eye when he was accidently struck by a swinging golf club.  We are all devastated, sad, angry, worried-  the whole spectrum of human emotions.

We are also tired, very tired.  Just three weeks prior, our older son suffered a bad break of his clavicle and I am in the midst of my chemo treatments.

The outpouring of support from those who are aware of what's going on has been heart warming and truly a blessing in our lives.  Many have and continue to ask "how can we help?"  A couple of friends suggested I put it in writing so when people ask or come by I can say- "Take your pick"

Here we go...

How You Can Help  
1. Bring a meal (by the way we are good in the "candy dept." no mas please)
2. Pick up some groceries along the way.
3. Vacuum the stairs
4. Vacuum the first floor
5. Vacuum the bedrooms
6. Clean a bathroom (if you are brave you can attack the boys'!)
7. Walk the dogs
8. Clean the rabbit and her cage (only true animal lovers need apply)
9. Weed a small patch of my yard
10. Bring a bag of dark mulch and put some on an area that has been weeded.
11. Pick up and drop off dry cleaning for us.
12. Take the boys out to Five Guys or Friendly's
13. If you are staying over, bring your own pillow and towels
14. Put in a load of laundry
15. Fold clothing
16.  Clean the turtle's tank (see #8)
17. Drive me to a chemo treatment 
18. Drive me to Philly for accupuncture appt.
19.  Accompany me to a drs. appt. for Nate
20. Take the boys to the library
21. Wash my kitchen floor.
22. Answer my phone so I can nap.

Any of those things would help tremendously.  Please don't wait for me to call you and ask for help, I don't know your availability and that is awkward.  Just call and say, "Hey Nanci, I have some time on ____ (pick your day), does that work for me to come by and help?"

Please feel free to share this with anyone who knows us or taylor it if help is something you need as well...

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

Cousins Ellen McVicker & Nanci Hersh

Butterfly that she truly is, Ellen flew in from Colorado this week to spend some time with Nanci.  First stop together was J.Christian Studio in Hockessin, DE, to get a buzz cut.  Hair started coming out after Nanci's second treatment on Tuesday.  J.Christian and his wife Marcy are butterflies in so many people's lives in this community giving their talents and time to benefit local chartities like Crazy Catwalk for Kidds.

Masha, one of J.Christian's stylists buzzed Nanci while J.Christian documented the event.  Video forthcoming!

anyone remember the Patty Duke Show?

After the buzz, it was time for the wig to be styled.

We decided we need to name her and are looking for our followers to help name her.
What do you think "she" should be called?

Kicking or Kissing, whatever gets you through

Kisses help, at any age, whatever kind.  Sometimes my favorite time is when I go into my boys' rooms and kiss them when they are sleeping. They look so peaceful, and still so innocent.

Pages from
Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings: When someone you love has cancer... a hopeful, helpful book for kids

But then, there are times when I have to switch to Combat Mode... "Kick Cancer's Butt"  a slogan in so many of the cards I received from Nate's 5th grade class.

Studio Shot

 So here is a studio shot of a friend's combat boots and the final painting.  This was a commission. I held onto the boots so I could do a painting for myself - to remember to Kick Cancer's Butt.

Combat Ready, 2011
from Walks thru Life: Shoe Portraits
by Nanci Hersh

Pinkie Promise

Cancer is not contagious, but germs are.  

Paranoia is creeping in, well not quite.  But caution is, and I need an  ongoing tape to remind by boys to wash their hands, put up the seat, put down the seat, and need I say it again (YES!) wash their hands.

Pages from
Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings: When someone you love has cancer... a hopeful, helpful book for kids

I still love to hold those 11 and 13 year old hands... but please use soap!

Pinkie Promise
Archival digital print from the book
Available
11" x 14"

Wondering

Pages from
Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings: When someone you love has cancer... a hopeful, helpful book for kids
©2011McVickerHersh, LLC

There is a lot of that going on around here.

This is an illustration from our book of my son Wondering.
I know he thinks a lot about whether he will get cancer, especially since I am a BRCA 2 carrier.

Fortunately, these days, there is help and information available.  FORCE is one such organization that offers support and information about hereditary breast and ovarian cancers. Sharsharet is another wonderful organization that helps young Jewish women, in particular, facing breast cancer as it has been found that women from Ashkenazi Jewish population are at higher risk for  the BRCA gene mutations.

A lot to take in, a lot to take on, but so much better when we don't do it alone.

Accessorizing

Pages from Book
Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings: When someone you love has cancer... a hopeful, helpful book for kids

Am home from the hospital now.  Back with my family, surrounded by flowers and cards, and in my own bed, makes me a happy camper.

My follow up doctors' appointments are Thursday. I will get my drains removed (will spare you the details) and possibly, find out what my next course of action is.

Eight years ago, I didn't need chemo.

This time, I will need to consider accessorizing.  Thankfully, my dad is a milliner!

Nobby Shoppes in Linden, NJ is the last of his string of stores.  At one time, his Nobby chain included 10 shops in New York and New Jersey. Growing up, I was immersed in the colorful world of hats, handbags, leggings and more.  Always one to supply me with my fashion needs, Dad, in true form,  had a shopping bag of turbans and scarves, ready for me to sort through when I got home.

Until then, at the suggestion of my sister in law, have done some accessorizing of my own...

Found a new use for my Wedding draw string purse...

a friend in Hawaii made it years ago to match my wedding mules

Wedding Mules #3, 2011
5" x 5"
acrylic on canvas
©2011NanciHersh
from the
Walks thru Life: Shoe Portraits Series