Riff on Resilience

In last week's Life Lesson- Learning Resiliency blog post we shared an excerpt from a KCSD Fall Newsletter about the importance and value of teaching our children resiliency.  Later in the week, in Sandy Blows, I wrote about an artist friend of mine, Betsey Regan who in the wake of the Super Storm Sandy, and in the midst of the destruction of her home, and turmoil of her life- is still painting.  That's resilience- and inspiring.

At the end of the post, I asked the question "who inspires you." 

Artist and president of Cross World Connections, Junko Wong responded with this: 

They do.  

 These are kids from Fukushima, where the earthquake and tsunami hit in 2011.  

There is a expat that helps these kids express their hidden anxiety through drawings. It help them to deal with their fears and starts them to heal.

This is a summer camp for the kids who are still living there. The camp is run by volunteers in an area, very north of Fukushima. Still the same prefecture but protected by a mountain range that keep out radiation. ( nature is amazing). They come here during their school break.

According to the government they are located outside of the radiation contaminated zone.  The way they measure the rate of radiation permissible for humans have changed since the disaster occurred. It's higher now.  And, these kids who still live in high radiation levels have no where to move to.  

We have learned that it is best for all of us who live this way to RESET our bodies every 3-6 months. Taking in clean air, clean water and clean food and getting rid of the heavy metals in our bodies as best as possible. 

 The kids have so much fun and play very hard and RESET their bodies and return to life back in the zone. 

All photographs by Komera no Mori

So these kids are my inspiration. They are so beautiful.

To learn more about the camp or to buy a very cool t-shirt that supports the children of Fukushima visit  http://poesjnm.exblog.jp/18886493/

Thank you Junko!

Want to Riff on Resilience too...Who inspires you?

Life Lesson- Learning Resiliency

Finding My Way
Graphite, pastel, collage on Rives Black
30" x 22"
©2013NanciHersh

A couple of years ago, I remember telling someone that one skill I really want my children to develop is resilience.  Well, it seems that life always gives you what you ask for (!) and we have had lots of opportunities in our family to work on resilience. Life is full of curve balls, unexpected surprises- both good and bad, and the ability to face, navigate and weather these incidents is crucial for our health, happiness and even survival. And as we look around, these lessons are everywhere, big and small, whether our children are dealing with the flu, midterms, busy schedules, displacement from Super Storm Sandy, or the tragedy of Newtown, Connecticut.

In the fall issue of school district newsletter, district social worker Kate Rentschler and psychologist Dr. Loren Pearson wrote a wonderful article titled How to Raise a Resilient Child, adapted from the National Association of School Psychologists and work by Karen Reivick, PhD, University of Pennsylvania.  With Mrs. Rentschler's permission here are some key points.

Resilience is not all or nothing.
It can come in different amounts, at different times, and in different circumstances. Research has identified important ingredients that we can most easily teach our children.

Emotion awareness and control.
Resilient children experience a broad spectrum of emotions- it is part of our human experience. The main difference between a more resilient child from a less resilient child is that they don't get "stuck" in an emotion.  "Although they might feel sad or scared, these feelings don't prevent them from coping with the situation and moving forward."

Lots of Different Feelings
from Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings: When someone  you love has cancer... a hopeful, helpful book for kids.
©2013McVicker&Hersh, LLC

Realistic Optimism.
Research is clear: Optimistic people are happier, healthier, more productive, better problem solvers, have more meaningful relationships, etc.  Research also shows that kids can learn these skills and that in doing so can protect them from depression and anxiety. Resilience is about seeing seeing yourself and the situation as optimistically as possible- within the bounds of reality.

Impulse Control.
It's the "stop and think" message before you say or act.  We all have impulses to say and think things that are not often in our best interest. (I still have that as one of my daily affirmations! It's a great daily reminder for our children and ourselves.)

Flexible Thinking.
The ability to view problems from several different perspectives teaches us to be problem solvers.
"Thinking Steps- Stop, Think, Plan, Check" can build flexible thinking."

Self- efficacy.
Self efficacy is about effecting change in the world. It's the ability to know your self, your strengths and weaknesses, and how to use your strengths in navigating the challenges in life. "Helping your child identify his/her strengths or talents will help build self- efficacy."

Empathy.
Empathy is our ability to "put yourselves in others' shoes."  This ability helps foster strong connections to others. Some landmark studies have shown that " children who have at least one enduring relationship with a caring adult ( a parent, a neighbor, a teacher, a coach) - do well and can overcome even the most difficult hardships.  Our son Nate can attest to this, in addition to having the loving support of his family, his friends, his teachers, counselor and coaches reached out to him at every step of the way after his injury in 2011.  These connections were and still are critical to Nate's resilience.

Reaching Out.
"Resilient children are not afraid to take risks... Their optimism fuels them, and their self efficacy gives them the confidence to try, even when that risk means risking failure."

These are all skills we can nurture in our children and continue to develop in ourselves.

Putting "it" (a.k.a. your story) Out There

We seem to get these requests now and then so I figured I would address this most recent question about how to publish your story.

Night table
From Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings:
When someone you love has cancer... a hopeful, helpful book for kids
©2012McVicker&Hersh,LLC

I am currently a 2nd year graduate student within the School of Public Health at the University of Michigan. I am very much interested in writing a book  similar to your "Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings" book. I am blessed to know of a woman who is currently battling her second trail of breast cancer. During her second ordeal with this deadly disease, she learned that the cancer as spread to her brain. While she has every reason in the world to feel depressed and angry, she is still strong, encouraging and one one of the the most joyous individuals you could ever have the pleasure of meeting. I have proposed to her the idea of writing a book and she had agreed. I would like to know if you would honor me by sharing how you went about setting the tone for your book. Also how you went about finding a publisher and illustrator who had your best interest at heart. Again I am completely open to any piece of information that you may have. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon!!!!

Everyone has a story. The question is will other people find it of value and are you willing to do the work it takes to not only create (write, edit, illustrate, design and publish) the story, but then market it?  

To address the first question of setting the tone of the book. That is a very personal thing, meaning- who is your audience? In our case, I needed the words to tell my two young children about my cancer diagnosis,and Ellen had years of experience working with young children. That set our tone. We knew we wanted the language to be clear and easy to understand, as well as compassionate and empowering for children. We wanted my story - and our book to be a gift to other families.

In addition to finding an illustrator you need a book designer. Someone who can help you bring your vision to fruition. It's like finding the right producer for your music or your song. 

Self publishing (here is one of many links from a search) is big business these days. Once considered Vanity Presses and frowned upon, more and more people are doing it and there are many websites that will guide you through the process- for a fee.  So do your homework. Some will help you find an illustrator, may have a program to help you design your book, and even market your book for you. 

Our Team
Ellen (bottom center) and I, (top right) with our team of butterflies who helped
create and launch our book.
TOP-Dr. Beth Deutch (wrote forward, helped launch book) Claudia Ansorge- helped with title and marketing, Nanci
Bottom- Leslie Nicholson- editing, Ellen, Fran Waldmann- book designer

Ellen and I were fortunate to find a great team of people who believed in our story and wanted to help us.  They either did it for a nominal fee, traded for art (mine) or donated their time.  All were extremely generous. Many more have helped us along the way.  Marketing as been a learning experience- and encompasses many various grass roots methods. It was only recently (after 6 years, 5 printings and a Spanish edition) that we were approached and signed with  Montse Cortazar a literary agent who will be representing our book world wide.  The journey continues.

We wish you well on yours.

Disconnect on the screen and in the world

Snuggle Me
From Butterfly Kisses and Wishes on Wings
©2012McVicker&Hersh, LLC

Like you, the tragic event of this past friday at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT weighs heavy on my heart and mind. This senseless violent act, shatters all the families who lost their loved ones as well as the community- who will never be the same. The collective grief which President Obama addressed in his speech last night conveys the love and support we are all sending this small town. The outcry of everyone- parents, sisters, brothers- demonstrates our ability to love and be compassionate to one another. 

So where is the disconnect?  Why is our nation plagued with so many of these horrific actions taken by young men - all children of parents who are also dealing with loss and grief?

This is the cancer that no one is talking about. Violence, that is permeating our culture in the media and entertainment in the form of video games.  My kids claim they are the only ones of their friends who don't have Black Ops, Call of Duty, Halo... etc.  I know that isn't true, but I do know that our household is in the minority.

Many times over the years when my sons were younger and I would drop them off at a friend's home to play I would ask the parent that the boys not play any of those violent video games. Often, the mom would confide in me that she doesn't like those games either but that the father or dad thinks they are fine, or likes to play them with their son.  It hasn't been easy keeping them out of the house. It's an ongoing conversation but one that I stand my ground on.  I don't want that violence in my home. Period. Thankfully, my husband and I are on the same page. 

But maybe this is where we as parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends begin to make the change that President Obama spoke of when he said last night- 

"...We're not doing enough, and we will have to change."

How about thinking about what is under your tree this year or on your child's screen? 

Let's raise our sons and daughters to be compassionate, resilient and non violent one less video game at a time.

Butterflies in the Sisterhood

One of the most powerful gifts that can come out of a cancer experience are the people you meet along the way.  The "C" Club or the "Sisterhood" of breast cancer survivors, is not one that any of us choose, but once initiated, we embraced with open arms of compassion, practical advice or a knowing hug.  Within and without, there are numerous Angels -those wonderful souls who seem heaven sent to help or watch over you, and Butterflies, beautiful kind beings who are with you on your journey, who come to us in all sorts of ways.

Joining the Sisterhood, 2005
Encaustic, collage on wood
©2012NanciHersh

One such butterfly who I have shared my journey with is Maria Carzia Boyes.  I first met Maria - through a phone conversation when I heard from someone close to each of us that she needed a copy of our book to share with her young daughter Eva.  Later, when Maria was going through her treatment, I was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time. And unlike the first diagnosis 8 years ago, I would be facing chemo and radiation myself.  Maria and I would often check in with each other to see how it was going, what to expect and for some mutual support. We were able to chat easily and enjoyed checking in with each other, on the phone, email and FB- but had never met in person. 

Maria with her daughter Eva at
the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 2012

UNTIL I was in NY at my surgeons office for a follow up earlier this year.   After my examination I was asked to return to the waiting room to schedule a future appointment.  Lost in thought, I heard my name called and went up and sat at the desk when all of a sudden a woman with an electric smile comes up to me and says, "Nanci Hersh?" Never having met Maria in person I didn't recognize her, but coincidentally we had the same breast surgeon and had an appointment the same day.  Within moments we were hugging and continue to be cheerleaders for each other.  In October Maria was interviewed in Central Jersey. Com and now, you too can meet Maria and see what a beautiful butterfly truly looks like!

Eva, Maria and Jim


Who has been a butterfly in your journey?

Happy & Healthy

Tonight starts Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year.

The following prayer was composed by the students at Temple Beth El Religious School where my son is a student.

As our grandmother used to say... "from your lips to God's ears..."

Prayers for ourselvesAvinu malkenu (Our creator, our sovereign),

help us make more friends
help us get good grades
teach us to respect our parents
teach us to see things from other people’s perspectives
help us to stand up for what is right
show me how I can help the community
help us to make the world happy
keep us healthy and safe

Avinu malkenu, honenu va’anenu ki eyn banu ma’asim
asey imanu tzedakah vahesed vehoshi’enu
Prayers for our familiesAvinu malkenu,

help us spend more time together
grant us peace and quiet
help us to have a home
help us to stay happy and healthy
keep us safe
help us to get along better
help us to have jobs
help us to love one another

Avinu malkenu, honenu va’anenu ki eyn banu ma’asim
asey imanu tzedakah vahesed vehoshi’enu
Prayers for the worldAvinu malkenu,

teach all people to pick up their trash
inspire everyone to be nice to the world
make sure everyone is okay
give everyone enough to eat
teach everyone to treat each other nicely and equally
grant everyone a bright future
let there be peace
free all people
let everyone be who they are and be accepted for it

Avinu malkenu, honenu va’anenu ki eyn banu ma’asim
asey imanu tzedakah vahesed vehoshi’enu

Losing my Perfection(ism)

One Year ago...
According to my husband, I do have a perfectly shaped head!

I should be good at this, which is a funny way to start a blog post about perfection(ism)- with a "should"- but I guess that's the point. 

With cancer treatments behind me, and all visible signs of the past year and a half no longer front and center, the word survivor seems to be hovering uncomfortably around me. My friend and yoga buddy, Evelyn Zak recently just sent me Susan Gubar's excellent blog post Not a Cancer Survivor from the NYTimes Online. Like Susan and the women in her article, I too, cringe at that term for many, if not all of her reasons.

In particular, the part about being heroic.  We are part of a society where we have, as Susan Gubar states "An American propensity to circulate stories of valiant individuals triumphing over great odds must make people coping with recurrent, chronic or terminal illness feel like duds."  And more often than not these stories include not only triumphing over great odds but often changing their lives, or reinventing themselves, coming out the other side reborn with a new appreciation and outlook on life.

And that's where the perfection(ism) comes in. The need (my need) to be the perfect survivor. The one who is (always) grateful, strong, resilient and inspiring to others as I lose all my bad habits (like perfectionism) and become a modern day Jewish Mother Teresa, while making art and surfing around the world homeschooling my children and giving them a real life meaningful education. 

Often I am or can be any of those things, but not always, and not at the same time. Which makes me wonder if I am a "good enough" survivor.  When I tearfully shared this with another friend recently, we had a good laugh through my tears- at the absurdity of it all. 

So as I disclaim the title Survivor I can give myself permission to lose my perfection(ism) and appreciate the fact that we are all learning how to do this, whatever this is.  

Lose the lable, find a moment of peace. perhaps.

and now that head is covered in waves!